All Hallows Eve is nearly upon us. I likely won’t writing next week as I’m part of a wedding party in on Halloween night (though, with the bride and groom’s blessing, I’ll post pictures like my vacation in Maine).
So instead, for this week, I’ll present to you a very quick and very simple (like most good ideas are) list of something that bothers me every year – the one and only thing I consistently hate about the Halloween season. It’s time to talk about the types of costumes that need to DIE.
I’m going to be a part of the happiest day of someone’s life that night and I may go to another party after that to meet with friends I haven’t met since I finished college. To that end, I will never forgive the ignorant soul that ruins that by making me see the red mist just by wearing…
The Lazy Movie/T.V. Show Tie-In Costume You Clearly Bought Less Than A Week Ago
As a study in the field of psychology, I know how easy it can be to get an idea implanted in your head from some recent big budget production you were right to fall in love with. But that’s no excuse for laziness.
Granted that not everyone has or knows someone that has costuming skills, but a light search will reveal some pretty awesome costumes for a fair price. And if neither of those are an option, maybe you need to scale down your ambitions and accept that Ant-Man is an unrealistic goal for you to set.
Even if the end product comes out less impressive than you imagined while crafting it yourself, at least you had the heart to care enough to put effort into it. Quality isn’t the issue here; it’s lack of love.
Of course, quality can be a factor for a costume if it winds up being…
The “Ironically” Cheap Costume
Anyone who’s a fan of Homestar Runner knows these monstrosities – The kind of costumes that are just bags/boxes/regular street clothes that people try to pass as legit costumes.
Let’s cut to the chase here; you’re not being funny when you do this. The only thing you’re doing is, once again, displaying astounding laziness. Take the time to put together some decent effects – preferably ones that require at least a passing knowledge of sewing and/or the proper use of a hot glue gun.
The “Sexy” Costume
You can’t hear me groaning in disgust and frustration right now, but I assure you that it’s happening.
I get it; It’s the one night of the year that you can dress provocatively without being judged negatively for it (which is an issue for a much more serious article further down the road). And while I personally find nothing “sexy” about someone flaunting what they have with no restraint, I have no personal qualms with someone wanting to let it all hang out and proudly display what they have.
No, my issue comes in two other forms. Firstly, why are only women allowed to have “sexy” costumes? Seriously, every “sexy” costume I find is marketed towards ladies. Can’t guys be sexy, too? I can think of a few girls that would appreciate seeing some of my male friends shirtless in the brisk autumn air.
Secondly, the industry that makes “sexy” costumes seem to be dedicated to making the ugliest, most baffling costumes I’ve ever seen. It’s like they have a gambling pool to see which moronic costume will manage to sell best to the nitwits that are only interested in showing skin.
Bottom line: if you’re going to do a sexy costume this year, there should be some guys to help balance things out. And failing that, you’d better have something better than a dress that looks like a Twizzlers bag.
The Politically Charged/Designed-To-Offend Costume
Okay, NOW you can probably hear me groaning.
It seems like every year, I have to endure some jackass who thinks he’s SO clever for wearing a mask of a presidential candidate or who made a costume that was actively meant to offend at least one person. All this because they think they’re being witty, topical, or promoting thought though artistic expression.
Look here, you blinkering c**k slot. Everyone at the party is too busy trying to drunkenly bob for apples and flirting with the sorority sister that came dressed as Power Girl (yes, even the straight women) to give a damn about your politically incorrect, hack job idea of “subversive and edgy” art. And if someone DOES care, they’re probably just blitzed enough on a near lethal cocktail of cheap beer, Jägermeister, and Sterno to slug you in jaw without a sign of the precious thought you so hoped to invoke. Just dress up as something fun and tasteful; that’s what we came for.
And so, to conclude, STOP F***ING UP MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY, YOU RAGING S**T HEELS.